Guilt or Fear?
by musingsofamelody
Summary: As Voldemort heads to the Potter house to murder James, Lily, and Harry what are Peter Pettigrew's thoughts about his betral and what he thought of his best friend.


**Guilt or Fear?**

"What have I done? I was best friends with him for years since we were eleven and now I'm getting him, his wife, and his son murdered," I mutter to myself in a panick. I, Peter Pettigrew, paced back and forth, twisting my hands together nervously. I turned to stare at my reflection in the dirty mirror, hands on either side of the bathroom sink to hold my shaking body up.

"I'm murdering my best friend James Potter," I say to myself in the mirror. I whimper at my reflection and jerk away from the mirror. Trying to come to terms outloud of what I was doing like an alcoholic wasn't going to make it more of a reality. For over the past year I've telling the Dark Lord all of his secrets. Secrets that James trusted me with. Secrets that even Dumbledore knew about.

I gulp in several breaths, hoping it'll somehow calm my nerves. All it seems to do is make me more nervous.

It was Halloween night and at this very moment the Dark Lord was on his way to murder James and his family.

_Oh god, oh god, oh god!_ I raise my hands to my temples, pushing in on them like I'm trying to forget what I know.

We first met in our first year at Hogwarts. I was being bullied by a couple of Slytherins when James came and used magic against all of them. A first year knowing magic! I couldn't believe it. Then he actually talked to me! He invited me to hang out with the rest of his friends and that's how I became a member of the Marauders. We were the most popular group in Hogwarts and everyone constantly asked how and why I became a Marauder. I can honestly say I never had an answer for them.

Even though I was a Marauder it still didn't mean I wasn't going to be bullied, but if I was James, Sirius, and Remus were always there to stick up for me - though it was mostly James. He always showed up just in time. He tried to show me numerous times how to stick up for myself from fighting to defence magic, but it was always hopeless. I'm not like him...

Everyone thought of James as a god. All guys wanted to be like him and all girls wanted to be with him. He was captain of the Gryffindor Quidditch team and he was also the best Quidditch player in Hogwarts' history. Ever since James became Chaser, Gryffindor had _never_ lost a match. He was the fearless leader of the Marauders, mastermind of all the pranks, top student in all of his classes, Head Boy, extremely wealthy, and a player. He could get any girl he wanted, and his charm seemed to come so naturally to him.

He was athletic, had a great fit, muscular body, he was tall, strong with messy black hair that he had a habit of ruffling, black round glasses, and a carefree attitude. He made hilarious jokes, wasn't scared or worried about anything, always relaxed, and was always great at dueling so he didn't worry about getting jinxed by someone everytime he turned the corner like me.

When no one wais around like during the holidays, I sometimes try to be just like him. I stand in front of the mirror trying to get my hair just like his, but its always flat, thin, and weird. I want to be fit, muscular, strong, and tall but instead I'm short, fat, and weak. I want to be able to play Quidditch but I'm scared of heights, I can't stay on top of a broom longer than three seconds, and I can't fly. I want to be able to get any girl I want but all the lines I say are absolute crap, or I just can't say anything when they look at me.

I want to be top of the class, but I don't have a good memory, I can't Transfigure or Charm anything, I'm scared of animals - it doesn't matter what kind - and I can't do anything in Potions. I can't remember constellations or even tell them apart from all the other millions of stars. I just can't do anything...

Maybe this is why I suddenly find myself in this position. The Dark Lord decided to give me a chance at something...this was something I could actually succeed at. I couldn't believe that someone actually believed in me to give such a task like this. Perhaps it's also that I seem to be the easiest person to do a person's bidding...

I know that once everyone finds out that I sold out my best friend, everyone will hunt me down.

Suddenly I feel cold. Ice cold. Like someone has poured ice cold water down my throat. I know instantly why I feel this way. I slid down the wall to the floor, letting the tears from my eyes slide down my face. Sobs rack at my body as I realize what has just happened to make me feel so cold. But what was I feeling right now? I gulp. Guilt or fear? Guilt because my best friend was now dead? Fear because I got my best friend killed? Fear because I know Sirius and Remus will kill me for what I've done?

I howl out a cry as I realize that James Potter, my best friend, was now dead. Is this guilt or fear I am feeling?


End file.
